Don't let this little guy fool you. Cue the Britney Spears... 'cause he's not that innocent. That's right. Grubs. Do you know what these tiny little grubs do to veggies? They eat the tap roots. The plants look pretty good, but don't grow any veggies. Do you know any organic solutions to killing the Japanese Beetle Larvae? Didn't think so. Neither did any of the garden pros at any of the garden shops in the Tri-Valley area, or online gardening sites or gardening chat boards I've visited. So, we've tried picking them out by hand. (A fun game for the kids, but they tend to give up after a few hours.) I've tried planting menacing plants that are supposed to repel the grubs. (They just eat at the roots for dessert.) I've tried two rounds of nematodes at $40 a pop. No luck. The only thing I seem to be able to grow successfully? Grubs. I have a beautiful, prolific assortment of them. Ugh. My birthday is Thursday. This is what I ordered to ring in my 39 years of bliss on this planet: 
I'm skeptical, but trying to have some faith. If you can just try to contain your patience, I'll update in a couple of weeks and let you know how it works. Say a little prayer for me. Found something else in the wreckage that I've never seen before. Now I'm on the lookout for some smurfs... too cute. 
Bright red! It was mixed amongst my favorite weed. I'm not sure what the weed's scientific name is, but to me, it's "wanna-be four-leaf clover". Just like marrying a Gallagher makes me, "wanna-be Irish". Still, amongst the rubble are a happy little faces that manage to survive all sorts of neglect: 
They are so cheerful, I planted a whole mess of them in the Grand-daddy version to greet me at the front door when I come home. 
What IS it about the word PANSY that makes me giggle like a teenager? These hearty faces are anything but pansies. Their ability to thrive in the middle of the winter muck is one of my favorite things about them. It's one small shift toward cheerfulness...
There were many “no’s” lining up. No, it wasn’t the right timing – my daughter was only 3, my boys were in new schools and still adjusting to our move to a new city. Three kids, three school schedules, daycare issues, a husband working insane hours miles away, and a 30-minute commute for me. No, it wasn’t convenient. “No”, I had never run a business, didn’t know anything about marketing, income projection, hiring laws, taxes, etc. I had done management before, and I knew I would be getting phone calls night and day from teachers and employees who wouldn't be able to show up for one reason or another. I knew that I would have to make tough decisions and get really comfortable with the idea of not pleasing everyone. I knew I would have to nurture and mother and grow the studio. I was just getting to know Lisa and her husband better, and knew that going into any type of business partnership was always a huge risk. I knew going into it that I was going to have to pour all of myself into the project, even when I didn't feel like it. I knew it was going to work me to the bone.
Why say "yes"? Why give all of myself to my family and this yoga studio, knowing full well that there wouldn’t be enough hours in the day to keep a personal balance? I can’t fully explain it, except to say that I felt “compelled” to. There have been a few times in my life that I have felt compelled to do something big, and I’ve learned to jump into action when something compelling drives me. That instinct has never served me wrong.
I’m not sure that it will sound believable to anyone out there, but the yoga studio was born from some deep altruistic place inside of me. It wasn’t about making money, and it wasn’t an intentional career move for me. It’s pretty simple – I’m one of those people who were “saved” by yoga.
I know that sounds nutty and declarative, and it is. And when I say, “saved by yoga”, I don’t mean that I learned to throw a leg behind my head and chant “aum” and then suddenly all of my troubles melted away in a sea of bliss. I mean that slowly, I began to see more clearly. I opened my mind to new ideas I would have never experienced had I not been so miserable that I was willing to try anything – even sitting with a bunch of crazies and learning to let myself go to places I’d never been before. There’s something innate about yoga – the real teachings of yoga – that stretched and expanded me in directions I didn’t know I needed to go. I was traveling to places of real contentment, and true liberation. Places I didn't know that existed.
With strong a strong shift like this moving through me, I couldn’t sit back and not take an opportunity to let yoga grow and expand through me. It’s that simple – yoga was moving through me and asking me to create a tangible space for others to experience something similar. I suppose I had a choice in the matter, yet the experience was just so organic, that every cell of my being enthusiastically said, “Yes!”
Fast-forward 3 years. Lisa and I managed to build the space, and people came. Man, did they come! CDY is one amazing yoga community with beautiful sun-filled rooms, happy teachers, happy students, and lives changed immeasurably for the better. The Livermore community has the best yoga studio I have ever been to. I have gained so much strength and flexibility from this process than I ever thought I was capable of.
And with this great project, there also came a cost and a limit for both Lisa and I. We had both given all we had to Cosmic, and couldn’t find a sane balance in life. Every good yoga class has the right balance of effort, surrender, and rest in it. The same is true with life, and rest is something I just wasn’t getting. Life became an energetic drain and I just couldn’t keep up. It became to energetically expensive to life keep going the way it was. I missed having the time to look in my kids’ eyes and play games with them. I felt my teenager growing up and away from me and didn’t want to miss a minute of his life in our home. I missed spending time with my husband and don't like seeing him so tired and stressed. I actually yearned to pull weeds and clean out drawers and feel that my surroundings were calm and organized again. I needed sleep - badly. I felt compelled again. This time, we put the yoga studio up for sale.
2011 brought two brave people into my life: Karen and Theresa – the new owners of CDY. I’m so glad to keep teaching yoga and running the CDY teacher training program. I’m glad to move to a supportive role rather than a leadership role. I’m still stretching, expanding and opening every day.
And yet as I sit here, I'm just trying to figure out exactly “where” I’m at. I’m thinking about the past few months and what loss feels like, what change feels like, and what shape my life will take as I move forward. Where will I be compelled to expand to next? In true Laurie fashion, that’s where my mind goes to – expanding. Yet, after the sale of CDY, I just felt compelled to draw inward for a while, to cocoon into a space of rejuvenation, rest and quiet and trust that when I’m inspired to expand, it will again be an organic and compelling process.
In the meantime, this drawing inward business has been a really messy unpleasant process. With no inspiration to move outward and get things done, my confined space has become full of 3 years of unfinished projects, ideas, uncleaned closets and garages. It’s spilling over with so many emotions, thoughts and questions circling my mind that I’m not sure where to begin.
After three years of putting everyone elses' needs before my own, I can’t think of a better way to move forward than by simply having a bit of fun with it and beginning wherever the hell I want to! And that’s what this blog is all about. I’m putting myself back on the schedule and reclaiming my personal life. It’s time to give myself the rest I need, the time to really connect with my kids and husband, enjoy my pets, my garden, my artwork. It’s time to expand inward a bit. So join me here if you dare to observe the terribly mundane things that excite me to no end, one small and simple shift at a time.
